


Echoes

by whchwitch



Category: Penny Dreadful (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Instability, Seriously I need help, like always i suck at summaries, mentioned Vanessa Ives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 18:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9398480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whchwitch/pseuds/whchwitch
Summary: She was his moors. His place in the world.How can one live a life without belonging?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, beautiful people. 
> 
> I had the idea while talking to my beloved demon vanessaschandler at tumblr, when we where raging about Penny Dreadful's comic and wondering about what kind of angst hell they are going to bring. 
> 
> (I wrote this basically listening to Ethan's Waltz, Vanessa's Dream and Let it End. I love angst)
> 
> As always, english is not my first language, I'm sorry for mistakes

She is gone; he knew that better than anyone that still lingered in that house for he was the one who had pulled the trigger. He could remember every second of that moment clearly on his mind. The smell of the thousands candles lingered on his nose, the flicker of its flames on his ears. The loud thumbing of his heart echoing through his body.

She looked pale, almost dead, her skin was probably so cold to the touch, but in her eyes, something warm when she saw him again, like all the good memories they spent together suddenly flooded her mind. This happened to him. All the small touches and little moments they shared. The kiss. The slow dance of falling in love, a sweet waltz that only they could hear.

There are people that say they have been stricken by lightning when it comes to love. For them it was different. He remembers she was very beautiful so the first reaction was a physical attraction, later he found himself staring at her in fear. Some primal instinct had told him to flee, to get as far away as possible from her, like a prey running away from its predator.

He met Brona, he fell in love with her. Even so, all his ways seemed tied to Vanessa. They became friends, good ones, great ones. He would trust her with his life. She was the one there to calm him down about Brona’s fate. Vanessa Ives had not met a lot kindness during her brief life, but somehow she managed to be the kindest person. Like Sembene once said, she would take your pain and would make it her own.

When the lovers cards appeared between them, he had imagined it to be some kind of trick of hers, since she probably had felt his attraction toward her. He could never imagine he would love her with every ounce of his body, with every little part of his soul.

Day by day, touch by touch, they learned each other fears and weaknesses. They heard each other stories. They protected one another with teeth and claw. Slowly the pace of their dance, increased. Its rhythm became louder and richer, note-by-note. Suddenly, before they could fully realize, love had filled the cold hollows of their chests.

‘Falling in love was like falling asleep, slowly, gradually, but then all at once’.

Unfortunately, destiny was cruel with them, for their romance would never be. Their fates were together that was true, but in opposite ends. Loving what you are supposed to destroy, not even Romeo and Juliet or Tristan and Isolde - the tragedies - have met such terrible fate.

Somewhere inside, they both always knew, maybe this is why he ran that first night she was by the window in Grandage Place, maybe this is why she said they were dangerous. He had taught her to never look into the opponent’s eyes, and so, she stopped him from looking into her eyes even further, so when the time came he would bring himself to pull the trigger.

In the end, it was her wish to sacrifice. It was her wish to put the world before herself. In the end, she kept a loyal servant to her god, and her god was there to give the peace she deserved so much. Even though it was her wish to end her suffering, guilt was flooding every inch of Ethan’s body and soul.

A lot had changed since her passing, The Wolf was no longer entire stranger habiting his body; it was a part of him. Ethan could remember more about his actions under the skin of the beast. During the full moon, he would hunt one by one the creatures that, like him, had torn her apart piece by piece. He would keep his quest of finding that man that had abused her in the worst of ways; he would hunt him down to the ends of the Earth if he needed to.

The fury of his claw would be their punishment. A life without her smile would be his.

Ethan dared to think the Wolf missed the dangerous stinger of the Scorpion, the same way he missed the spell her eyes cast upon him, because his final destination would always be her grave. After long nights of hunting other creatures like him, the Wolf would rest alongside the one creature he had to kill but could not. Countless times now, Sir Malcolm had picked him up, fallen by her side. Whether after a night of hunting or when his body would give up consciousness because the alcohol in his blood had become too much.

Yes, the drinking had become too much again, worse than before they met. Only her presence on his life helped him in many ways. Nevertheless, the worst poison was in the form of a small sentence circling his mind: What if.

What if he had accepted her heart?

What if he had gave himself entirely to her?

What if they had left that night?

What if he had stayed?

What if he held her close?

What if he had loved her the way she deserved?

 What if he hadn’t pulled the trigger?

What if... The false hope of a life that is no longer possible, of dreams that make reality too terrible to live, too cruel. Dreams of happiness. Dreams of waking up by her side. Dreams of them becoming three, maybe four. Dreams of a home with her, in her. She was his moors. His place in the world.

How can one live a life without belonging? Numerous times, he wondered about joining her, about meeting the cold embrace of death before his time. Even then, she saved him, for taking his own life could grant an eternity away from her. He would not risk the slightest chance of meeting her again. Then, like Atlas, Ethan would live his life caring the unbearable weight of a world without her. Hoping one day, God would forgive him, and maybe she would be the one waiting for him on the other side.

 

 

Time pasted more and more, and Ethan found himself afraid, in fear of forgetting the little things about her. He would visit her room, even though he knew she would not be there, he could not hold down the hope of seeing her by the window frame, just like the day she offered her heart and he mercilessly broke it into a million pieces. Silently, he asked her for forgiveness every day.

He used to sit on the ground by her bed, and let the remaining bits of her scent fill his nostrils, bringing back all the memories of her. He felt bashed by them. Overwhelmed, often he would cry.

He knew it was not going to be easy to keep walking the Earth. He tried to find some comfort in the fact that she was in peace at least, by her god’s side. Yet, most of days he found himself in need of her presence as much he needs oxygen to live.

Impetuous, time came for everyone.

Victor had met his fate still very young.  He confessed his sins to Ethan; even so, they were a burden too heavy for the doctor to carry. The young god, found himself to be very human when death came for him one night when the great amount of medication stopped the music on his chest.

Sir Malcolm had joined the ones he had loved during his life. Ethan granted his last wish and buried him by the side of his wife and children. Meeting the place where Vanessa had grew up; Ethan thought she would be happier by the sea amongst her people. The thought of her alone in London made him feel sick.

He walked the shores she had ran as a child. He met her childhood home, despite of the warnings of other people living in the region that said the house was cursed. His favorite part was her old room, as he remembered her story about the dolls that terrified her, and he could only smile to the faint sound of her laugh echoing his mind. Remembering the sound of her voice was already so difficult after all these years.

He did not find pictures of her. There were no pictures in this immense house. He remembered that in one of their conversation she mentioned she had taken a picture just once on her life. Certainly, the picture was not here.

Eventually, Kaetenay appeared in on of Ethan’s dream, saying goodbye. Death had come for him as well, just like all others in Ethan’s life. However, Kaetenay’s death was by far the worst, for he was the only one that was like him in every aspect. One day, he told Ethan his entire story, of how he had become the beast at a very young age. Still time could touch him, time turned his hair white, and time had put his bones to rest.

Not for Ethan, death never came for him. He remained young. As if he had died in the moment Vanessa’s heart had stopped, for only the dead remain untouched by time and this Earth was his hell, his punishment.

For long, he thought being a beast was his curse. However, immortally, this is the real curse. Ethan could presence the entire circle of life, but could not live it. He could feel the pain of seeing everyone come and go. The pain of knowing his last thread of hope had been broken.

They would never meet again.

 

 

He had to leave London; he had to walk to place from place. Therefore, people would never recognize the monster he was.

The First Great War came, then the Second one and, like most of London, Grandage Place had not resisted it. After a long time without setting foot on it, Ethan felt his heart break once he saw in ruins the place where he had found his real family. Her room was not there anymore. Her scent had vanished forever.

His next impulse was to run to her final resting place, there he found only ruins as well. Vanessa Ives’ existence had been extinguish forever. Even the dead can die.

Feeling his eyes water, Ethan noticed a figure of another man on his knees crying above the ruins of where her grave used to be. He approached the figure slowly, that immediately looked up at him and Ethan recognized the beautiful sad eyes Vanessa, so passionately, had talked about once. Her kindred spirit. John Clare, just like the poet.

They talked briefly about her, about the memories they had. Mr. Clare recognized that Ethan certainly was the man she had loved so much, the man that broke her heart. Even so, he was not mad at him, for he felt he had loved Vanessa as much she had loved him. Ethan was the owner of broken heart himself.

Eventually he crossed paths with Brona again, well, not Brona. She had told her story for him, about Victor. About how she had become Lilly. Even though, he had heard the story from Victor himself, it was good to hear her side, to be able to help her with the pain she had felt once. Still, she held no grudge, or felt any anger. Besides it all, Lily had peace behind her eyes, a peace that Brona, unfortunately, could never achieve.

He told her his story, as well, about how he had become this cursed being, about how cruelly he was destined to kill Vanessa. Without saying a word about love, she told him he should not forget he had received one gift during his life: love. For loving and losing is better than no love at all.

He asked her if she would indulge him one last thing, calling him ‘Ethin’. She smiled at him, and he remembered how much he liked that sound.

Before she left, she told him to hold to the pain he felt in his heart, even if it hurt too much. Pain would help him remember her. Pain would keep him human. With that, they said their goodbyes, and wished each other well. Their story had ended, at least for now.

 

 

The world is a small place, mostly when apparently you have all the time in the world. He kept moving from place to place every few years. Meeting new people but never being attached to them.

One day, his path lead him to Dorian Gray one more time, as young as he was when they met over 80 years ago. Ethan always felt that he was no normal man. Dorian was surprised when he saw Ethan Chandler. Ethan just answered that life worked in strange ways.

They went out for a drink; it is hard to find someone you can really talk. Once again, Dorian toasted to Vanessa Ives, still the most mysterious person he had crossed paths. Ethan agreed. They talked about her and Dorian asked if he remembered her face.

He said that he did, but after this long, it was hard to remember her with precision. Then, Dorian fished something in the inside pocket of his coat, a small cover made from leather, and handled it to Ethan. An old picture, her picture. The one picture she had ever taken. In the picture, she was serious and a tad mysterious, just like she was normally. He forgot for a while he was in the presence of Dorian and let the memories, all of them, rush back into his mind. He could almost even sense her smell.

Dorian watched quietly Ethan’s reaction. He did not think Ethan realized he was crying. Vanessa had been very important for him; there is no doubt in that. He wanted to ask about how her life had ended, but he was afraid Ethan would not answer. He still remembered that day when he went to her house to invite her for another ball and was hit by the news of her passing. Vanessa Ives the one woman that had rejected him. Vanessa Ives the only woman that had broken his heart, not once, but now twice.

Her influence on Ethan Chandler had been by far greater, for, in front of him, there was a man clearly crumbling down because of an old picture. That night in the theater, Dorian could sense some energy flowing between them, but many years after her passing that link seemed even stronger. They must have been lovers for a moment. Maybe more.

After some minutes, Ethan gave back the picture, thanking the opportunity of seeing her face once again.

Later, Dorian invited Ethan back to his house, who politely refused the invitation. Saying he preferred to be alone now, the lack of attachments made this life easier. Dorian agreed quietly. Ethan could see, despite the jovial expression, and easy laugh, that the man before him was very cursed, but could not yet see through his narcissism. Ethan felt pity, because one day, hopefully he would too realize the monster he was.

Leaving, Dorian called Ethan back, handling him again the leather cover, saying he had promised Vanessa to keep this part of her soul safe. Ethan would do a better job than he would. Turning on his wheel, he left, without looking back.

That night Ethan fell asleep holding her picture close to his heart, eyes swollen, and an empty bottle of whisky on the ground.

 

 

A hundred years after her passing, Ethan finally decided to go back to that cottage on Ballentrae Moor. He felt very nervous on his way there, barely believing that the place was still there, untouched after such a long time.

In the small town, near the cliff, people told him no one dared stepping on those lands for it had the home of two witches and their terrible curses. One of the witches was killed, burned alive, years later the other witch came back with revenge killing the man who ordered her death.

Vanessa had become some kind of legend; he could bet mothers in the town put their children to sleep to those stories, or even told them to behave or the witches would come for them. He smiled lost on his thoughts while riding his motorcycle. He’s sure these stories would please Vanessa and her taste for mischievousness.

Parking in front of the cottage, his heart pounded so much he thought it would blow up. The place was almost the same; the building seemed more worn, there were some ivy vines growing on the outside walls. The small bed of flowers they had planted together was now big and spreading everywhere, it had even covered the tree stump he had left there. 

His mouth went dry when he finally picked up the courage of walking into the cottage. The place where they have had been so happy, even if it was only for a month. There she opened up to him. The place where he had tasted her addictive mouth. The place where they fell in love. The place where, step-by-step, move-by-move, their dance picked up the best pace.

In addition, the place where she killed for the first time, twice, and he worried about her soul.

Inside, plants grew everywhere, but it was true that no one came here, or if someone came, made their best effort not to touch anything. Every piece of furniture was on its place, covered by a very thick layer of dust.

Like an a viewer, Ethan could see Vanessa and him waltzing around the main room, or by the fireplace cooking together while she complained about the amount of salt.

One evening, they were sit on the table while Vanessa had read the cards for him until he asked if he could try doing a reading himself. She consented.

He shuffled the deck while she watched contented – she couldn’t hide the joy of being around him anymore, and he couldn’t be happier.

He tried to open the deck in a bow, like her, and was able to do almost as perfect; he explained he learned the trick playing poker, she laughed at his piece of information. He looked up at her asking for the next step, and she told him to start with three cards, and watched close as he chose carefully, he certainly remembered her lesson about letting them talk to you.

Turning the cards, the first one he got was the Knight of Swords, and he babbled about a knight must be some kind of warrior or protector, she watched amused.

The second card was The Empress, he immediately started saying that the knight must have been hers, and he was there to protect her, if you want to get to her, you’d have to go through him. He particularly liked that the knight had a creature on his shoulder, but it didn’t seem to bother him.

 He started laughing at the nonsense coming out of him mouth when she said he was not far off, explaining the cards had many meaning, not only the obvious ones. The Knight standing guard in front of the Empress could mean his need to protect her, even if she did not look like she needed much protection, maybe the Empress needed protection from herself, but usually was something she was not aware. He watched dazzled as she explained him, meeting his eyes, she indicated the last card on the table.

The last one, The Lovers. They immediately looked at each other when this card turned and he could see her blushing lightly, before she turned away saying they had to start dinner before night felt completely. He felt the urge to go after her, to take her in his arms and never let go. He knew she belonged there, because he belonged with her. Next night they kissed.  

The Knight and the Empress bound by love.

 

 

The cottage in the Ballentrae Moor showed to be a great place for Ethan to stay, people rarely went there and besides he felt close to Vanessa living there. He would go, travel for a while but would always come back to the place he had some sense of belonging.

Time passed enough for him to lose track of how old he was, yet, for five years, every November, he would go back to London in a small celebration of Vanessa’s birthday. How much this city have changed, but in its core, it also seemed the same. It’s hard to walk the paths the future draws being a man of the past, in his wildest dreams, Ethan could never imagine everything before his eyes.

Where Grandage Place, number 8, used to be a high apartment, that Ethan was granted access to the rooftop by the lovely doorman, as long as Ethan brought him a bottle of whisky or something.

Ethan stayed there some hours, sitting in the edge above the city, smoking her favorite herb while he “talked” to Vanessa on how things had changed through time, and how he’s pretty sure she would have hated phones and the internet. She would have enjoyed the cinema, especially in the mids 1900, and the great amount of literature.

This year, he had to cut short Vanessa’s celebration since it’s full moon, he could control the beast better, but he didn’t like to risk innocent people’s lives. Ethan didn’t hunt as much anymore, he never found that man. Even now, he failed Vanessa. However, times where different, all the creatures of the night seemed asleep waiting. This scared him, maybe one day another person would be born with Vanessa’s burden, and he prayed for that never to happen, no one deserved that pain. However, he would accept this momentary peace.

Walking down the streets, he sensed something different and familiar in the same time. He felt the urge to run to some place unknown, just run. Until he saw a girl, a woman, being robbed, held at gunpoint. The robber’s heart too loud too fast, Ethan could hear, the Wolf was coming. The robber was going to shoot and kill her, the owner of scared yet brave heartbeat.

The early stage of the transformation allowed him to go faster.

A loud sound.

The gun had went off, but Ethan managed to arrive pushing the woman out of the way, and then he went in the direction of the man holding the gun. Frightened, he ran away.

Ethan could not move, the transformation stopped, suddenly, his body started to get heavier until he fell to the floor. He didn’t understand what was happening, he had been shot before, even “mortally wounded” but nothing had happened, not since Vanessa had died. Nevertheless, here he was, lying on the ground, blood spreading fast across his chest, his eyes heavy and blurry. He was dying; there was no doubt in that.                                                                  

“Oh my God!” she said in a trembling voice. The sound made his body shiver, that sweet and husky voice, he thought he had forgotten. Could it be? His body was probably already hallucinating.

He heard her calling an ambulance, he believes. Suddenly, she approached him, hands touching his chest making pressure on his wound. He feels her energy going through him.

Making his best effort, Ethan opened his eyes, and there she was hovering above him. She looked younger than he remembered; some different traces on her face. Her eyes, the same.

“Vanessa” he said barely audible.

 “I’m sorry” the small phrase came shaken with fear.

“Don’t be,” he said his voice even weaker, eyes starting to shut again.

“Please, stay awake” she urged looking at him. “Who’s…” she stuttered “Who’s Vanessa?” she asked him, trying to get his attention. The question made his heart twist; this was not Vanessa, his Vanessa. Yet they looked so alike, their energy seemed the same. Maybe this woman had been Vanessa once, maybe everything was true and her soul was granted a new chance to atone for the sins of a previous life, maybe she was given a new chance to be happy.

 “I loved her once…” he answered looking deep in the eyes of the echo of his beloved in front of him. “I love her,” he continued “but circumstances didn’t allow us to be together” he smiled lightly. “Do you love someone?” he asked without knowing if he wanted the answer.

“Yes” she answers simply, staring down at him. He sensed something chance behind her eyes.

“Good. It is good to be loved. I’m glad you are loved” The woman found the guy’s reaction in front of her very strange. Yet, her heart felt something different, something she could not explain.

“What’s your name?” she asked him crying.

“Ethan” he answered

“Hi, Ethan. I am Ella” looked deep into his eyes that seemed so familiar to her.

“Ella? Beautiful name, it means light, right?” he asked, eyes closing again.

“Stay with me” The sirens began to come closer to them “The ambulance is almost here”. She tried to get his attention once again “I’ve always liked your name: Ethan. I always asked for a little brother to my parents, so I could name him, but he never came” he smiled faintly to this story.

“Ethan’s are always troublemakers,” he said. Using the last of his strength, he looked up to stare at her eyes once again. “No matter what happens today I’m going to be fine” he said seeing her concern, she touched his face using one of her hands. She was sobbing.

The feeling of her warm hands touching his face was a great way to go, he thought. His mind filled with images of her, images of them. The one time she touched his cheek during a stormy night at Grandage Place, and he could feel the energy of the world going through his body. The one kiss they shared filled with want, passion, love, the feeling of their bodies pressed together.

God had forgiven him, for in some way she was the one there waiting for him when his body was embraced by death’s cold touch, yet he never felt something so peaceful. He felt the entire universe going through him, he felt the weight of his story, the story of a time before he was Ethan, and she was there. She was always there. As friend, as a lover, as someone on his family. Their souls where liked together, they always had been, they will always be. They have crossed oceans of time looking for the path to one another.

 

One day, they would meet again.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The ones who survived these 4446 words can call me satan if you want. 
> 
>  
> 
> And I'm sorry.


End file.
